FOR A DOLLAR.
NAME THREE WHITE PEOPLE.
There’s some seriously interesting psychology going on here.
NAME A WOMAN!!
NAME A WOMAN!!!!!
This video has convinced me, once and for all, that standardized tests are completely useless. Raise the level of stress enough and any question becomes impossible to answer.
*Man walks into a store and finds employee*
Man: Alright, I've had enough. Why haven't you guys hired me?!
Employee: Uh...well sir, when did you put in your application?
Man: I never filled out an application.
Employee: Well sir, we can't consider you for employment if you've never filled out an application.
Man: No, that's bullshit, because I've been coming here for years now, and every single time I tell you all how much I love this store and how much I appreciate your customer service, unlike some of your other customers might I add!
Employee: Well, but that doesn't-
Man: AND I even told you that I didn't have a job!
Employee: But sir, that doesn't indicate to us that you would like a job at our store. And again, if you've never filled out an application, we can't consider you. Besides, we're not hiring.
Man: OH! Not hiring, HA! What a laugh. I see your store go through seasonal workers all the time. They come and go like nothing, but you won't consider me as a part-time employee even though I KNOW you've been looking for workers to fill positions? That's insane!
Employee: Sir, we've been looking to hire a few people for management positions. Do you have any management experience?
Man: Well no, but what does that matter?
Employee: ...Well sir, that's what we're looking for. You won't be suitable for the position without management experience.
Man: Oh that's such a load of crap. You know, you'll be waiting around a long time for a manager if you don't lower your standards a little. Who cares if someone knows how to manage a store? I LOVE this store and I'm willing to work here, that's all that should matter to you.
Employee: That...doesn't make any sense.
Man: NO! I'm done. This is over. From now on, no more Mr. Nice Guy.
Man: Fuck you, slut.
I think the lesson here is that you shouldn’t patronize women from space.
Why couldn’t Thor’s hammer break Captain America’s shield?
BECAUSE IT WAS MADE OUT OF FREEDOM AND THE DREAMS OF THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
uh excuse me wasn’t it adamantium
no it’s vibranium
you mean FREEDOMIUM
Aren’t wolverine’s bones made of adamantium?
No, Wolverine’s bones are made of crystalized maple syrup and universal health care.
REBLOGGING FOR CANADA
dear god, bless these wonderful people on tumblr
A quick run-down should you ever find yourself trapped in a horror movie and would prefer to live to tell the tale.
1. Don’t have sex.
- Abstinence is key.
2. Don’t go out with people you’ve just met that day.
- I don’t care how good he says his weed is
- he is cuckoo bananas
- and he wants you dead.
3. Don’t go to camp. Especially one where someone was murdered.
- There are six words you should YouTube, should you get the chance
- “Kevin Bacon in Friday the 13th”
4. Find a good hiding place and… STAY. THERE.
- If the killer can’t see you or hear you WHY WOULD YOU MOVE?
- Possibly the easiest rule to follow and, ironically enough, the easiest to break.
5. Always wear sensible shoes, ‘cause you never know when you’ll need to run through the woods.
- Someone will always be barefoot
- Or in heels
- Or just plain clumsy
- And will sprain their ankles
- And die.
6. If the town looks deserted, it’s probably because everyone is dead.
- Don’t walk around looking for people
- House of Wax, anyone?
7. Don’t be a hero.
- Unless you’re name is Harry Fucking Potter, you will die.
- Hell, maybe even then.
- I mean.
8. If you hear something creepy in the distance, like a dog’s yelp cut off mid-bark, don’t investigate.
- The killer is there.
- Also your dog is dead.
9. Always check the backseat before entering your vehicle.
- The last thing you need is to be killed while trying to merge on the expressway.
10. If your car breaks down in front of a dilapidated gas station, don’t ask a sketchy-looking townie for help.
- Some part of your body will wind up in his pick-up truck
11. Don’t go into the basement.
- They are creepy enough without you dying in one.
12. If you’re trying to buy a house and the real estate agent won’t answer any direct questions about either the history of the home or the previous tenants, DO NOT MOVE IN.
- At some point, someone in the house heard voices and cracked.
13. Turn off the television (and run away) if a girl crawls out of it.
- It is obviously your wisest choice.
- SEE ALSO: poltergeist, daughter trapped in tv because of.
14. If the walls of your house bleed, do not attempt an exorcism.
- Move very very far away
- Because there’s blood on your walls.
15. Don’t act like a detective.
- Some crazy Japanese kid who meows like a cat will attack you in a closet.
- If you live, awesome story to tell your friend, right?
- But if you die, it is like the opposite of awesome.
16. Google the location you’ll be vacationing at.
- If more than five reports for “Missing Persons” pops up, you know not to go there.
- Issue. Solved.
17. Don’t get drunk. Or come under the influence of any mind-altering drug.
- Running away from a killer is that much harder when you’re tipsy and giggling.
18. If you see someone in a mask, don’t assume it’s one of your friends playing a trick on you to scare you.
- It is the killer.
- ALSO: laughing while saying, “Tommy, is that you in that stupid mask? Oh, I’m so-o-o-o-o scared!” is not conducive to your surviving.
- Killers are very sensitive about their disguises.
19. Don’t take a shower.
- ONLY APPLIES IF:
- It’s past midnight at the campground you and your sorority sisters are staying at or
- The lock to the door doesn’t work and you hear creepy piano music
AND THE LAST AND MOST IMPORTANT:
20. If the call is coming from inside the house, get out.
- Clearly the killer is not outside, now is he
I love this.
Look, if I ever find myself in what appears to be a horror movie situation, I’m going to don a black tanktop with maximum cleavage, acquire some very badass weapon (a supersoaker full of gasoline and a lighter will do nicely, if I can’t find a chainsaw or something quickly. Machete is also a go. As long as it’s big and ostentatious and preferably loud, explodey, or on fire) and start making horrible one-liner quips before and after everything I do. I will try my level best to drive recklessly in cool looking cars and make shit explode. If I can find a small child who is conveniently mute to carry on my shoulders and protect in a vicious mamabear fashion, all the better.
Because the easiest way to survive a horror movie is to switch genres.
Moniquill has just won the internet, everyone go home.
This post is made of so much win, there is nothing more to be done on the internet today. All the awards.
George W. Bush: Decision Points